An Intro: My Circus & My Monkeys!

I know some might say my life is too complicated and that I’m weird, but

I AM weird and that’s totally cool with me!

Also, this is a good opportunity and lesson!

Staying mindful, efficient and present

…where your home is your work

…and you trade for your living situation

…and your family are your co-workers

….and your “bosses” are your roommates

…and your “career” is detached from the current financial structure, so you still have to partially get out and like… “work a REAL job” …or find another means of survival, like stripping or drug-dealing. (Just kidding. JUST KIDDING!)

Aside from the drug dealing and stripping and the desire to work a “real job” and make lots and lots of money,  which is absolutely off my radar, this and the following are the premise of my (and our) ridiculous balancing agenda(s).

-I’m a WAHM (work at home mom for the “free-people” aka what I like to call those who are childless.)

-Soon to be Momma of two under two, (due Aug 2018, when our first little girl, Ophelia, will be 18 months)

-A slightly disgruntled pregnant woman and mediocre housewife and spouse. (My everything hurts, I brush my mom dreads out about 3 times a month, I cringe when I kiss my partner because he just recently ate peanuts or something that turns me and our dinners the last three days have consisted of: frozen pizza, chicken nuggets with french fries and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though we live on a 10 acre permaculture site that grows fresh herbs, greens and veggies!)

-A former NY girl who has made the transition from “my wax lady missed a spot of hair and my manicure is chipped” to “the compost toilet is full, where does the poop get dumped from here?”

– Also, recently transitioning from “what’s a crunchy mom?” to being an “activated-charcoal-monster” while brushing my teeth, (while my naked leafy butt Seventh Generation diapered baby runs away and opens both the pocket-style bathroom doors, so I can see both the kitchen and hallway from my spot on the toilet) where I’m reading the latest in the vaccine debate and trying to come up with a home school plan…

You know, and doing my business while being given the opportunity to wave to all the household inhabitants… Thanks kid. (multi-tasking at it’s finest, momming in a community setting at it’s most brutal!)

-Not to mention, I’m a survivor of long term (almost 20 years) domestic violence, emotional abuse, neglect and a few other kinds of unjustified treatment, who now has Complex PTSD and is balancing it with all of the already deep intricacies of spiritual-beingness, while trying not to fall off the spiritual bi-passing or delusion wagon. (more about that in another blog post.) In other words, I need my alone time to continue to connect to myself and to heal…

 -Add to all that I’m a woman balancing the intricacies of a VERY new relationship that functions like a full-feature one stop, undocumented/common-law marriage, co-parenting, co-habitating, co-creating, co-disciplining, dynamic, hot mess…

-A relationship which has accelerated from a 3 month Skype session, long distance romance, full of  horoscope matching  and non-committal bantering: “Oh, no no, you tell me what YOUR wildest fantasies are!”

into  one week worth of  romantic beach going and meadow frolicking

…and then directly into “I’m pregnant. We’re going to make all our wildest fantasies come true together!!!” ::teenage girl flailing arms and squealing::

…and now 2 years later into a -“did you see the consistency of the baby’s poop diaper? I’m wondering if she shouldn’t eat crushed walnuts, because I just read this article in a mom group that nuts and dried fruit are…”

…and “I just sneezed and peed my pants again, will you take the baby so I can take a fast shower? I know…I know you’re busy…but…”

….and a “all of my hopes and dreams rest upon our ability to split our time evenly, while we both are still being present with our children, meeting our obligations, and remembering to eat, sleep and keep up with basic hygiene. So let us get with it”…

This, all included, is a kind of magical shit-storm that has us now forever bonded and  balancing more, individually and as a team, than is appropriate for 10 people to manage effectively together, let alone two people who basically met for a week, and haven’t had a chance to date yet.

Still, through lots of minced words, reconciliations and banging our heads against walls, we’re doing it. I truly believe that is a testament to our love for one another or at least our stubbornness as two Virgos, to make it work.

I’d like to go with the former to try and keep a little of the romanticism alive. For a woman who went from Disney fairy tale style wedding dreaming and romance reading to “please stop touching me, it’s so hot and you’re suffocating me to death and now I have to pee, thanks…”  I think it’s important to still keep a touch of the sentimentality alive, even if you can’t always see it from the often harsh realities of growing in a REAL, raw relationship…and trying to find yourself.

 I think, also, we both realize that at this point in our lives, (32, self and 40, “baby daddy”) it’s time to shit or get off the compost potty…and find ourselves… so we’re hustling.

Underneath it all, and back to our complex set up,  we’re sharing a deep vision and we wouldn’t have it any other way. Even if our personal hurdles would make most people decide to take the “play it safe” and responsible route. Even though most would opt out for the white picket fence deal and the 9-5 job right now, we’re unwavering.

The former paragraphs elude to that, our current living situation, but don’t provide the meat (vegan options for those who would rather do without) of the subject. My “insta-hubby”/baby daddy/life partner,  David, and I have decided to finally pursue our dreams, ones that we thankfully share, of:

intentional community, travel, tiny house building, homeschooling, sustainability and simple, purposeful, eco-friendly living away from what we both believe to be a failing and disconnected cultural and economic system.

That’s why we chose to take a leap, finally from the safety of our duplex (well it wasn’t that safe, there were gunshots every other night) in South Carolina and our “normal lives,” to buy an old creaky vintage trailer, join the WWOOF program (willing workers on organic farms) and hit the road to go be part of a work-trade situation on a 10 acre permaculture model (Grow Permaculture) where we’ve begun to fumble through building our dreams.

We both seek to create real raw human interaction and to exist on the Earth and recognize ourselves as a part of it’s natural processes. Really we’re not looking for how we can use the Earth, but for our use and purpose within the Earth’s systems and our connection with all of it’s living beings.

Within that connection, my goal has been to organize events and retreats and to create a sacred space where those in need can come find sanctuary and partake freely in art and education, among other like-minded individuals. I’ve had such a wonderful taste of that here at Grow Permaculture. This is the first time I’ve been able to use all of that creative and social energy to make things happen and I’ve created a fall Spiritual Arts retreat. (read more about it here-Sisterhood Within-Spiritual Arts Retreat) and a Family Co-op (Be Leaf Family Co-Op: Be Leaf Family Co-Op) I have fully submerged myself in my passions, now that our bills are smaller.

However they are not entirely gone. We still have student loan payments, cell phone bills, toiletries, gas, credit card payments, blah blah blah, that we’re trying to fit into our daily schedules, which revolve first and foremost around caring for our daughter (and one on the way) and fulfilling our work trade (David: 25 hours a week for housing, and me about 15 a week, of late-pregnancy appropriate work) so we can continue to be in integrity and to live the dream here (and it is truly that.)

One thing I learned from this amazing 10 acre permaculture demonstration site, where I was able to take my first Intensive Permaculture Design Course, is that the true meaning and intent of the word economy (insert etymology here) is “management of the household.”

It seems as though, here, the true well-being that arises from our current economic situation stems from that very place–household management.

And we are really trying hard on that front, to balance diaper changes, event planning, work trading, pregnancy checkups, nap times, child rearing and the list goes on, with making enough to cover our “real world” expenses and save, in order to step away from the “real world” structure, as much as possible! We’re doing it for the betterment of our future and our children’s futures.

We both have chosen this lifestyle as a way to create something better for the next generations and to bring our children up in a way that takes them back to what is important-whether that’s through bettering the systems that stand (education, governance, healthcare, use of resources, etc) or creating a space of our own where we put new, more effective and soul fulfilling structures in place.

We want to teach our girls, and those who cross our paths, by example. We want them to carry the torch to burn all that isn’t working to the ground, and plant new seeds.

Juggling motherhood and work and trying to not give up on my dreams is a challenge most mommas struggle with, so I must remember, that this one facet (alone) of my current role in life, is one that I don’t tackle singularly.

and plus, ya know, doing the dishes and not leaving the sponge wet

and all of the other intricacies of just sharing a communal space with two other whole individuals (at LEAST-sometimes 5 or 6) who have their own wants, needs and schedules…I know that itself is a distinct challenge.

I guess I didn’t really think about the challenges of this dynamic moving in, and as much as I seem to be belly aching, I still don’t find them to be bothersome , but view them as this crazy life puzzle I must solve. I should say, we must solve as a family and community. This puzzle is one of my greatest blessings in its intricacies, because it let’s me know I’m on my path. You see, my ideal situation is an intentional community: one where the lines of family and “work” are blurred. So this is something I’ve always wanted to do and figuring out how to do it is  an experience I cannot discredit

So as dynamic as this adjustment is and as imperative as it’s successful forward motion is in my brain, it does feel like a natural process, that ends in blessing. I am just taking it day by day. Learning a whole bunch as I go, and occasionally hiding on the Compost Potty, to eat a sandwich by myself and write this blog.